Jokes

A man arrives at the airport in Boston with a hankering for scrod. He says to the cab driver, “Where can I get scrod.” The cab driver says, “You know, a lot of guys have asked me that, but you’re the first to use the past pluperfect.”

An engineer is married to an English major. He comes home to find her in bed with his best friend. He says, “I’m surprised!” She says, “No, I’m surprised. You’re astonished.”

Two New Jersey hunters are walking through the woods. Suddenly, one of them collapses and is not breathing. The other whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “My friend is dead!” he tells the operator. She says, “Take it easy, I can help you. First we need to make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence and she hears a gunshot. The man comes back on the line. “OK. Now what?”A stand up comedian says, “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming my lungs out like the passengers in his car.”

A man is in the supermarket when he sees an attractive woman waving to him and smiling. He walks over, unsure of who she is.“I’m sorry,” he says, “But I don’t think I recognize you.”“I think you’re the father of one of my children,” the woman says, smiling.The man’s heart nearly stops as he thinks back to the one time has was unfaithful, at his best friend’s bachelor party. “Are you the stripper?” he asks, astonished. “Are you the one who rubbed whipped cream all over me on the pool table while you slapped my butt with wet celery?”Shocked, the woman replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

Two people are in couples therapy: He: “One thing that bothers me is that you never tell me when you have an orgasm. “She: “You’re usually not there.”

A grizzled airline captain is undergoing his semiannual physical.”When did you last have sex?” asks the doctor.”Oh, about 1955,” replies the pilot.”1955? A healthy man like you hasn’t had sex since 1955?”"Well,” says the captain, glancing at his watch, “It’s only 2130.”

A man wakes up in the middle of the night to discover that he wife is not breathing. He grabs the phone, calls 911, and explains the problem to the dispatcher.“What’s your address?” she asks.“714 Eucalyptus Street,” he replies.Can you spell that,” she inquires.After a pause, the man says, “How about I take her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?”

A man is traveling along a country road when he sees a farmer staggering under the weight of an enormous pig. The man, amazed, stops his car and sees that the farmer is holding up the pig so that the animal can eat the acorns on an oak tree.”Excuse me,” he says to the farmer, “but if you’d put that pig down and shake the tree, the acorns would fall to the ground. It would really save a lot of time.”Farmer says, “What’s time to a pig?”

Two men meet on the street.”Hey, Herman,” says one, “I hear you’ve been acting affected lately?”"Affected?” replies Herman, “Who? Moi?”A man’s not feeling well, goes to the doctor. Doctor orders some tests, calls him three days later.”I’ve got bad news and worse news,” he says.”Give me the bad news first,” says the man.”The tests show you’ve got 48 hours to live,” replies the doctor.”Oh, my God!” says the man, “What’s the worse news?”"I forgot to call you yesterday.”
A man calls his wife at home. “I won the lottery! I won the lottery! It’s unbelievable!! Sixty million dollars, baby! Start packing!”The woman is ecstatic. “What should I pack? Winter things? Summer things?”The man says, “I don’t care – just be out of the house by the time I get home.”

This warning from the FDA: Nothing you wear on your head during sex can help you avoid disease. So don’t throw your money away on the so-called herpes hat.

I was walking to work today, and this wino came up to me and said, “Give me five hundred dollars for a cup of coffee?” I said, “That’s a lot of money for a cup of coffee.” And he said, “Hey – I don’t tell you how to do your job, you don’t tell me how to do mine.”

I saw something in the paper the other day that’s a good example of what they mean by federal waste: A professor of pharmacology at Penn State just got a $150,000 grant from NIH to develop a time-release placebo.

A plumber presents a homeowner with a bill for $200. The homeowner says, “You were only here for half an hour. That’s $400 an hour. I’m a neurosurgeon and I only make $250 an hour.”The plumber says, “That’s about what I made when I was a neurosurgeon.”

On a four-engine plane over the Atlantic the pilot announces on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve just lost an engine, but there’s nothing to worry about. This plane flies perfectly well on three engines. We’ll just be about a half-hour late.”A few minutes later, another announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve lost another engine. We’ll still make it, but we’ll be about an hour and a half late.”Soon there’s yet another message: “We’ve just lost power on a third engine. I think we’ll be OK, but plan on being three hours late.”One of the passengers turns to his seatmate and says, “I hope the fourth one doesn’t quit. We’ll be up here all day.”

Did you hear that NIH researchers have started using lawyers rather than rats for lab experiments? There are more of them, they multiply faster, and the staff doesn’t get as attached to them.
A patient is speaking to her psychiatrist: “Oh, doctor, kiss me, please!”Psychiatrist: “You know I can’t do that; it would be unethical. Actually, I shouldn’t even be lying on this couch with you.”A man making an announcement at his 30th high school reunion:”I’ve got bad news…My wife has reduced our sex to once a month.”Classmates: “Ohhhhh..”"Yeah. But it could be worse. A couple guys she cut off completely.”

Definition of mixed feelings: Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Buick.
Excerpts from Woody Allen:Two women are having dinner at a Catskills resort. One says, “The food in this place is terrible!” “Yes,” replies the other, “and they give you such small portions.”
I read in the paper the other day that my ex-wife was brutally attacked and violated… If I know her, it was not a moving violation.

When my wife and I were having problems we decided that we should either get a divorce or take a vacation to Bermuda. Then we thought, “A trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce you have forever.”

I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The kids there used to steal hubcaps.. off moving cars.When I was young, my parents always told me, “If a strange man stops his car and offers you candy.. get in.
At about the age of 12 I was kidnapped. When my mother received the ransom note she sprang into action and rented out my room.

I’m never going to another psychoanalytic conference. All those guys do in the evenings is sit around drinking and singing, “I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.”7I’ve been in analysis for 15 years. It hasn’t worked. I’m going to give it one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.Several times during my analysis I contemplated suicide, but I never did it because I knew the analyst would charge me for the missed appointments.

I  would say that I have always had slow reflexes. One time I got run over by a car with a flat tire being pushed by three guys.

When I was in college I nearly got married, but there were religious differences. She was an atheist and I was agnostic. We would have had trouble deciding what religion not to bring up the children in.I took a metaphysics course at NYU. The professor caught me cheating on the final exam; I was looking into the soul of the guy next to me.

I’m not afraid of dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t teach, teach gym.

My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me his pocket watch.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.

I am two with nature.

What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
The overture begins with the brass in a joyous mood, while underneath, the double basses seem to be warning us, “Don’t listen to the brass. What the hell does brass know?”

A man pulls up to a stoplight and is startled to see six penguins sitting in the back seat of the car next to him. “What are you doing with those penguins?” he asks the driver.”I can’t figure out what to do with them,” the man replies.”Why don’t you take them to the zoo?” inquires the first man.”That’s a good idea,” the driver says as the light changesThe next day the first man again stops at the light, and, 10 and behold, sitting there is the same car and driver. The six penguins in the back seat are wearing sunglasses.”Hey,” says the first man, “I thought you were taking those penguins to the zoo.”"I did,” replies the other, “and they loved it. Today we’re going to the beach.”

A writer gets off the plane after a trip and is met by a police officer who says, “I’m afraid I have terrible news. Your agent came to your house last evening and there was a sudden fire. Your wife and children were killed. Please accept our condolences.The writer is stunned. “My agent came to my house?”

A priest hearing confessions slides back the door and an old man says, “Father, I’ve been married for fifty years, but this past week I’ve started an affair with an 18 year-old girl; we’ve been having sex four or five times a day.”"All right,” says the priest, shocked, “your penance will be five rosaries and 10 stations of the cross.”"Never mind, Father,” says the old man, “I’m Jewish.”"You’re Jewish?” says the priest. “Then why are you telling me this?”"I’m telling everyone!”

A man pulls his car over next to a prostitute lounging against a lamppost.”How much?” he asks.”$300,” she replies.”What do I get for that?”"Anything you want, baby.”"Climb in,” he says. They drive to his home. As they pull into the garage, he points to an extension ladder and says, “Paint the house.”

Acouple is talking to their insurance agent after an auto accident.”So,” says the wife, “how much money do we get for the car?”"You don’t get any money; we replace it with a car just like it,” says the agent.The wife looks thoughtful, then says to the agent, “Cancel the life insurance on my husband.”

A farmer enters the barn and finds his young son masturbating.”Don’t ever do that again,” says the man, “it’s not right, and if you do it too much you’ll go blind.”"But, dad,” whines the boy, “can I just do it until I need glasses?”

A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I’ve got bad news; you’ve got AIDS and you’ve got Alzheimer’s.” The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have AIDS.”

A recent study disclosed that while only 25% of men kiss their wives goodbye when leaving the house, 95% of men kiss their house goodbye when leaving their wives.

Q: Why do many men have names for their penises?A: You wouldn’t want someone whose name you didn’t know making 90% of your decisions for you.A: New Yorker cartoon shows man in restaurant writing on a pad: “Waiter, I’d like to order, unless I’ve eaten, in which case bring me the check.”

Moses comes down from the mount bearing two weighty tablets. His followers rush up to him saying, “Master, Master, what happened?” Moses says, “There’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery stays in.”

Three clergymen are playing golf behind a particularly slow and inept foursome. “These people shouldn’t even be allowed on the course,” says one.“Yeah, they’re really terrible,” says the other.The caddy interrupts, “They’re blind.”Oh, my!” says the first clergyman, “I feel so badly that I was impatient.”"Me too,” says the second, “May God forgive me!”The third thinks for a moment and says, “Why don’t they play at night?”

A psychiatrist is speaking: “I was having dinner with my mother last night, and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, ‘Would you please pass the salt?’ But it came out, ‘You bitch, you ruined my life.’”

A hotel collapses in a midwestern city. Rescuers are digging through the rubble when they hear something. One of the rescuers asks for quiet and yells, “Where are you?” Faintly, a woman’s voice is heard, “I’m in room 1120.”

Alternative version of The Serenity Prayer:Lord, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, The strength to change what I can, And a big bag of money.

Puzzling questions:
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down, and cats always land ontheir feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to theback of a cat?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypads of the drive-up ATM machine?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you’re driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights,what happens?
You know how most packages say “open here”?
What should you do if thepackage says “open somewhere else”?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment,but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that’s used on airplanes?
Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?
What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is itconsidered a hostage situation?Would his psychiatrist charge for group counseling?
Why is there never an answer to the most important questions in life?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Quotes from the male perspective:
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know that her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man is complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a great house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then POW! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”

Dumb men jokes:
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What’s the thinnest book in the world? “What Men Know About Women”
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing.
He: “A lot of women are going to be miserable when I get married?” She: “Really? How many women are you planning to marry?”
Two men are out hunting and they get into an argument. “Those are deer tracks,” one insists. “No,” says the other, “I’m sure they’re elk tracks.” Just then the train hits them.
Two guys pull into a gas station. On the pump is a sign, “Free sex with fill-up.” They fill it up and go to the window. “How about the free sex?” one asks.
The cashier says, “First you have to guess what number I’m thinking of.” “Two,” says one man. “Seven,” says the other. “I’m sorry,” says the cashier, “neither of those is right.” As they walk back to the truck, one guy says to the other, “I think this thing is rigged. My wife was in here twice last week and she won both times.”
I asked my date if he had ever read Shakespeare. He said, “No, who wrote it?”
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.Ninety-nine percent of men give the other one percent a bad name.
My husband says he wants to spend his vacation someplace where he’s never been before. I said, “How about the kitchen?”
A beggar walks up to a man on the street and says, “Can I have a dollar for a sandwich?” The man says, “I don’t know, let me see the sandwich.”
What’s the difference between a man and a cat? One is a finicky eater who couldn’t care less if you lived or died; the other is a house pet.
They’re at a movie. He says, “Can you see?” She says, “Yes.” He says, “Is there a draft on you?” She says “No.” He says, “Is your seat comfortable?” She says, “Yes.” He says, “Let’s switch seats.”If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they put them all?
He says the worst thing about sex is having to get naked in front of strangers.
What do you call a man who complains all day, watches sports all night, and sleeps away his weekends. Normal.
What are three little words you’ll never hear a man say? “I’ll get it.” “It’s my turn.” “Can I help?”
Why is it a good thing there are women astronauts? So someone will ask directions if they get lost.
Why is it easier for a therapist to treat a male patient? Because when you take him back to his childhood, he’s already there.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know. It’s never happened.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
How do most men define Roe v. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.

A man rubs a lamp and a genie emerges. “You get three wishes,” he says. “I’d like to be a hundred times smarter,” says the man. “Done!” says the genie. “No, wait,” says the man, “I want to be a thousand times smarter.” “Done!” replies the genie. “You get one more wish.” “OK,” the man says, “Make me a million times smarter.” The genie changes him into a woman.

An elderly couple has dinner at another couple’s house. Afterwards the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. One man says to the other, “Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great. The other man says, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” The first man thinks and thinks and finally says, “What’s the name of that red flower…the one with thorns? “You mean a rose?” “Yeah, that’s the one,” replies the man. He shouts, “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. One says, “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. How are you feeling?” The other man says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really? Like a newborn baby?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth….and I think I just wet myself.”

An elderly man, well dressed, flower in his lapel walks into a cocktail lounge. A young woman is seated at the bar. He walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?

You might be a redneck if…
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”
You’ve got more than one brother named Darryl.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.